I mentioned on Facebook that was I took on the fairly un-fun (ok, dreadful) task of moving all of my emails from a local email file on my computer to the infamous ‘cloud’. I contemplated for a second on just dumping 1/29/2004 to present into one obnoxiously overfilled folder, but I figured I might regret that at a later date when I actually have to find a specific email and I can’t remember what year someone got married (or who they married or whatnot).
As a bonus for the three hours of my life that I will never get back, I found a folder called ‘assistants’ and thereby found an email that made me laugh. And laugh. And laugh. In this particular email, my dear assistant details what she learned in her first year (2006) with me. Sometimes, it seems like NOTHING has changed. Other times, EVERYTHING has changed.
“Your assistant will become a dog sitter, baby sitter, flower holder, thread cutter, ring holder, errand runner, car puller-upper, lipstick/lip gloss carrier, sneaky spy atleast once during a wedding and or photoshoot.
Baptists are the most conservative of the bunch. Nothing clears a reception site out faster than lack of booze.
People can be anal about sharing their food, unless it’s an Italian marrying into a Hispanic family. Then there’s pastas, mashed potato martinis and fajitas for all!
Every couple has a ‘crazy’ member (or members) in their family. And they will point them out to us multiple times.
ALWAYS make sure the stepmother is able to cram her butt into a golfcart. The stepmom needs a golfcart too or shit hits the fan!
A mother-in-law who takes credit for planning an entire wedding on her own will fail. Not only fail, but forget to take the bride to the ceremony site, and forget the flowers that the bride didn’t even want in the first place…
Creepy men aren’t allowed near the photographer or her assistants. There should be at least a 10 foot radius at all times.
We see a lot of strange things. Then we talk about it. Then we post pictures about it. Then we talk about it some more.
We entertain.
We shoot.
We eat.
We go home happy.
Sometimes we get to dance!
You might think you’ve tasted a lot of cakes while planning your wedding, but believe me we’ve tasted more .. and some were delicious. But the best are the kind that are still frozen in the middle and you can lick it like a popsicle.
Someone HAS died in every old creepy venue that we’ve been in.
Number one priority: Make sure the bride is happy. Others will follow.
Quality over quantity, sometimes pushing the pilot button on the flash to please people is necessary. Especially for drunk people. They’re attracted to the bright light.
A DJ is capable of sucking. A DJ is also capable of being awesome. A DJ is a fickle thing.
We are the ones that people should come to for advice when planning their wedding, we’ve seen it all, we know it all, we rock.
Always turn left in a left only lane. Never trust the one beside it that gives you the option of either turning or staying straight. Options are bad. Brides don’t even need options on the day of their wedding.
People just need to learn to chillax. Shit will hit the fan, dresses will get dirty, brides will spill white wine on their own dresses, hopefully there won’t be a food fight, hopefully a photographer or her assistants won’t break anything, people will get seriously plastered, bridesmaids might give pathetic speeches — but the married couple will still live happily ever after.
The sister/brother always gives the best speech. Especially when they begin the speech with “my water just broke so I need to make this quick”.
Bridesmaid are capable of being selfish. They need to be shoved in a closet.
Some bridesmaids “hate makeup” and “forget to try on their dress”. They need to be kicked.
Your assistant is allowed to gloat when a customer chooses her shot as a favorite. Those five seconds of fame are nothing compared to your years upon years of only-by-referral-no-advertising-involved glory.
Brides make for good assistants in the future.
It’s good to have multiple cameras and multiple lenses and multiple other pieces of equipment. It’s not good when your assistant manages to lose a piece of something after every wedding. Your assistant promises to not lose any more equipment!
Mr. Flashbox should be near AT ALL TIMES. Mr. Flashbox should NOT be left alone. Mr. Flashbox is our dear dear friend. We love you flashymcbox.
Some people are very nontraditional. They should not be judged. But cakes should always be cut, garters should always be flung, brides bouquets should always be fought over, and first dances should always make the crowd go “d’aww”.
Photographers are capable of crying too. We’re not cold-hearted-seen-it-all folks like people think we are.
Some mothers are more flexible than others. Physically.
People become more flexible with the help of their friend MR.ALCOHOL.
Shooting three weddings in one weekend is a no no.
Editing is not for the weak-stomached.
Never ‘hide’ a piece of equipment thinking you’ll remember where you put it. Always put in baggie.
Sparklers + drunk people = not a good idea.
It’s STILL very awkward when the crowd tells the couple upon leaving to “procreate” or to “make their marriage official”. Ga-ross.
Always send an assistant in to loosen up uptight groomsmen. Pretty girl make serious man giggle. Groomsmen become our best friends. And our tools. All at the same time!
Every photographer & assistant should be equipped with either a real engagement ring or one that looks like it. It saves us from having awkward conversations.
When your camera constantly goes “click” “click” “click” “click” – something is wrong. And the camera must be put to sleep.
People might not think we’re funny but if we’re amused that’s all that matters.
When near water or reaching over dangerous terrain (such as a 30 foot drop) always clutch camera tightly.
Always plan for the worst, therefore your expectations will almost always be exceeded.
People like hot photographers. That doesn’t mean a photographer who comes too close to a candle and almost lights herself and her equipment on fire.
You never thought you’d be proud to see your images as someones profile picture on myspace/facebook until now.
Birdseed can get stuck in your hair.
An awkward situation is a good story in the future.
A wedding is only truly complete after all the pictures have been edited, QA-ed, sent out, and posted. And there are new pictures added to our CAUGHT! album.”